Animal House on the Cannonball

August 24th, 2013

The train was relatively quiet on the way out to the East End on Friday. But I’ve had some hilarious rides on Cannonball–the fast train to the Hamptons–this summer. With Montauk in overdrive, the LIRR became a kind of giant National Frat party. Hundreds of model-beautiful Sorority blondes, elegantly styled.
As the bar car raged with beer sales, the endless lines at the loo were then hilarious. The kids were timing each other and cheering as they beat each other’s records for getting in and out of the Jax before their train stops in Bridge, South, and East Hampton.
I also sat near some super preps who mentioned that they had been burned when their roommate left iron on. As retribution the dude who had done it let them burn him with a hot iron on ass. One as a a lark, at last second held the iron down. They showed pics of his burned ass and said he was on plane and could barely sit. Bro!
And last week, I had had two hours sleep and insisted these sporty giants take their luggage off 4th seat in their grouping. Only when I sat did I realize they were in fact crazy large, I was like up in between one muscle-heads legs.
Mortified. I passed out, and when I woke up they kindly offered me beer.
Forgot they the were full on bro’s until they were talking about guy at school who they felt was too Fugaysie for their tastes. Wee bit obvious.
Yes, Cannonball equals Animal House on wheels. And on return trip once, they cruelly didn’t have loo for those kids with all the yellow smiley face stickers on them who get on in Hampton Bays on Sunday evening. They apparently get the stickers at largest party of all on the East End–they ride train in and out to drink all day. And then they were in agony… So amused as they generally terrify the effete East End crowd.

East End Never Fear, Snooki Will Not Attend

May 30th, 2013

NY Times struck terror in the heart of the Hamptons by suggesting this weekend in a very amusing piece 2013 MTV MOVIE AWARDS RED CARPET ARRIVALSthat the cast of the Jersey Shore might soon appear on a bus as the Jersey Shore has to a large degree been washed away. .. . Not so fast. . . Just had a Very amusing moment with Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. Turns out her publicist is an old friend of mine and we were all together at a Bridezilla cake eating contest. And I brought up the article in the Times. And she said “Hamptons” are too expensive for her. And her publicist said, “But you could stay at Jeff’s house.” Big smile. I’m already headed for appellate court with Town of East Hampton this summer. .. can you imagine? She and I just looked at each other. “Hey, Fi (my wife), guess who’s coming to dinner . . . .”